Notes on the Journey

Posts tagged ‘spirituality’

October 17, 2016

Journal Entry

Feeling comfortably detached as I wait here for the end of the world.

I’m in an odd place because I left behind all the guideposts I used to rely on to explain the world and shape my views and behavior. I have gone into the Outer Darkness, far beyond what I leaned from all the philosophers and gurus and I don’t believe ANY of it anymore. I see now that ALL of it was presented from the male point of view, everything I learned, everything I read, except for the work of a few feminist authors and teachers.

The only teaching that has any value is the one that directs me to become aware of my body and my breathing and to work on maintaining my awareness in the present, here and now.

I am keenly aware of just how powerless I am to affect what is happening on this planet. Some moments I desperately want to be released from this disaster, but at others, like right now, I’m just grateful that my own little life makes some sense and has beauty in it.

It would be great to stop taking patriarchy so personally.The whole point of rape culture is to reduce me to an object, a non-agent. My “beingness,” my uniqueness, my personhood is irrelevant.

Men seek revenge on women because men can’t have babies. This is the whole primal truth of the matter. This truth is rabidly suppressed, just like the truth about climate change and the mass die-off of pollinators from industrial petrochemicals, for instance. These are truths that I am never allowed to speak aloud in public. People do not want to hear it. It makes them uncomfortable to hear the truth.

I spoze I need to write another blogpost about this – about Marge Piercy’s conjecture that technology will solve this problem of male jealousy over women’s reproductive capacity by growing babies in artificial wombs and shooting up men with female hormones so they can breastfeed, as she proposed in her book, Woman On The Edge Of Time. Tranzing is the tech solution to inequality between the sexes and this is a problem because medical science and technology are capitalist, masculinist enterprises and as such, don’t particularly care about women and the natural world, which are simply “resources” that exist to make profit from.

I’m coming to accept that I’m not responsible for patriarchy. I didn’t cause it and I can’t cure it, as they say around the 12-step groups that deal with addiction. It seems that my yelling at the delusional masses in online forums (and frantic emails to former women-only spaces like rape crisis centers that now permit men who say they are women into their support groups) is just my attempt to blow off steam in my mind-shattering grief over what is taking place,  over the harm that is being done to women and the very basis of life on earth, and for all the life that is being lost.

The violence that I have been subjected to throughout my life from this rapist culture gave me a distorted sense of responsibility. I am not responsible for patriarchy and it’s brainless, gynocidal,  SUICIDAL ecocide.

A patriarchal family is a slave family and is a shame-based family because shame is what molds people into slavery. All of the implied and actual violence is deliberate and intended to produce shame within individuals such that they are unable to stop the violence. The Circle of Death.

I am still coping with the injuries I sustained in my marriage. The man I married is an automaton who acts out a rigid role. I used to explain his behavior by the fact that he grew up with an alcoholic father. I did not exist as a living, autonomous sentient being. I was also only a ROLE, an object, an economic unit, as he actually stated about me and our children. I was a function and a means to his own ends.

About a year ago I was trying to write about addiction and slavery and attachment theory and was unable to find the heart in it…because I was not consciously considering the role of male supremacy and rape culture. Male privilege is always the elephant in the living room. It’s the silent oppressive fog that surrounds all of our social structures. So I wasn’t able to put together the severed parts, I had a jumble of facts, but the essence was missing.

Ten thousand years of female slavery shaped the relations between my ex-husband and me. He was grown the same way that my father and brothers and all males are made, secure in their positions of dominance over women and their right to our labor, our bodies, the products of our wombs, our care and attention.

I could not be a moral agent until I was able to walk away from all of this. I could not be responsible until I was able to separate myself from the constant violence from males that shaped my choices. Instead of being sorrowful I know I need to be grateful that I woke up and that I have this opportunity to come to real life, to the real world, dying as it is. I still have this moment of autonomy and clarity.

 

 

 

 

Consenting To Hell

Borrowed a talk by Eckhart Tolle from the DVD section at the library – The Flowering of Human Consciousness. I’m always skeptical of people who get money for talking about “spiritual” matters but the way he presents the ideas is simple and practical. He says the ego is a function of our name. Our name is like a basket where we store all the things that happen to us that we identify with. But the ego is like a scrapbook or photo album with the traces, the leavings, the reflections of that label that is our given name. And none of it exists NOW.

He says we are not the contents that are stored under that label, like a fat file folder of documents that attest to the reality of our existence, but we are the spacious stillness that surrounds and carries all of our adventures and memories.

Fukushima Sky

Fukushima Sky

I liked that when I heard it yesterday, but today again I am being eaten alive by my pain body, the permanent conflagration in my spazzed out scoliotic spine and shattered collarbone, along with the toxic shame of all my bad memories, and topped with the prospect of imminent biosphere collapse.

But I am doing what he suggested, and that is – saying “yes” to the “no.” I hate how I feel and I am certain it will never end and I am desperate to escape, to get the hell out of this moment. Don’t wanna Be Here Now. In fact, I wanna kick Ram Dass’s ass for spreading such an insipid idea. However, I AM doing it, like, there IS no escape, so fuck it, sit and stew in it I will. If nothing else I have the ILLUSION that I’m consenting to this hell.

I keep repeating to myself: I am not the story of me. Something is witnessing and enveloping this bullshit. Even tho I have not the foggiest notion of what that could be. Tolle says that by it’s nature it’s beyond notions, ideas and concepts. If I am not my story, not my pain, then, what?

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