Notes on the Journey

Archive for the ‘radical feminism’ Category

Butterfly, A Talk by Idge of Reason

Not Woke: My Experience as the Child of a Trans Individual

Not Woke: My Experience as the Child of a Trans Individual

It has come to my attention that I am not “woke”. Not in the least. Be that as it may, I want to share my story about being the child of a transgender individual because in all the years this has been my story I have observed very few people consider this perspective. Many years ago, when I so desperately needed to feel understood, there were no resources. Now, the debate over trans issues is all out in the open, and I’m still not seeing many resources for kids of trans people. There are lots of articles and support groups focused on how to support trans loved ones but nothing about how to support the children caught up and confused by such a dramatic change in a family.

Before I begin, I’d just like to say I’ve never heard of any other stories exactly like mine. I don’t know whether the behavior I’m going to detail is typical. I’m not commenting on all trans individuals; I couldn’t possibly. These vignettes of my dad’s behavior during this time are all on the theme of his transition, but they don’t define him entirely, nor do they define anyone else. They define my experience with his transition.

My father came out as transgender the summer before I started 8th grade, and I found it traumatizing. This was the year 2000 when Eddie Izzard’s transvestite stand-up comedy was edgy in the extreme. My developing adolescent brain had no idea how to interact with a parent who wasn’t willing to be identified as my father anymore. None of my peers had an opinion or support to offer. Every time I shared my experience with a friend, they always seemed kind of stunned, sometimes disgusted. It was a different time. No one was “woke”.

Though I loved my father with a devotion bordering on idolatry, I felt traumatized by the process of his transition. Some children of trans parents express having “known” what was coming when their parents came out, but I had no idea what was coming. My dad’s news was a shock. My father was a 6-foot-tall, stoic, hyper-intellectual black belt in karate. My dad was manly. “Becoming a woman” seemed like the last thing he was ever likely to do, but he announced his intention to do just that one evening in late summer. Shortly after that, his behavior started to change drastically, and it was this new behavior more than the transition itself that I found traumatizing. It started small.

He asked me not to call him “Daddy” for the first time while we were in a Target. We were shopping, and I called to him something like “Daddy, come look at this,” but he was already presenting as a woman in public and was mortified. To his credit, I now understand being embarrassed by your kids in public and saying potentially hurtful things without thinking. No one is perfect. But I was still traumatized. I felt betrayed. I was very much in denial about my pain.

During that school year, I tried to commit suicide by taking 11 ibuprofen at once. The bottle said not to take more than 10 at once, so I took 11. It’s a little absurd I now realize, but I was a naive girl who had had a happy childhood in a loving home until that point, and so I really thought ibuprofen would end my life.

In the intervening years, my experience as the teenage child of a transgender person continued to be traumatizing. His inappropriate behavior regarding his sexual identity intensified. My dad openly discussed graphic and minute details about his hormone therapy, breast development, and surgeries with me; at one point he offered to let me see the finished work of the reassignment surgery while it was “still a surgical site.” After his surgery, my dad practiced using dilation tools with the door open. He had previously shown me the tools: acrylic phalluses used to maintain the newly created orifice. He referred to the largest one as “the tin can.” He was covered with a blanket while using them, but I knew what he was doing and why.

He told me stories about his adventures interacting with the world as a woman- stories about flirting with men or having slumber parties with the members of his trans support group. There were stories about telling women he met that he didn’t have children because he knew he couldn’t discuss pregnancy and birth with them from a woman’s perspective. He told strangers he didn’t have kids because he didn’t want to be outed. Then he told me about it.

I attempted suicide again when I was 16. I used pills once more, but this time it was a mix of all the pills I could find in the house: both prescription and over-the-counter because I meant business. As before, I wanted to end my life because I felt so emotionally and psychologically maxed out by everything that attended my dad’s transition that any little extra difficulty pushed me over the edge of anxiety and despair. I also felt a powerful need to protect my dad from my pain. To this day, I’m not even sure he knows about this second attempt.

After he met a man and they started a serious relationship, he asked me to lie to this man at our family’s Christmas party and tell him I was a niece. He asked me to pretend to be an orphan in my own family for the sake of keeping his secret. Our relationship became increasingly strained. A year later I was at the hospital for another suicide attempt.

When I became engaged, my dad refused to walk me down the aisle at my wedding because he didn’t want to be recognized as my father by my guests. Eventually, I asked him not to contact me anymore. It has been 5 years since we have spoken.

I’m not insensible to the fact that the above actions don’t represent a complete picture of my father’s character. I’m not insensible to the fact that all of my own unkind and selfish actions listed out in this manner would seem damning.  I’m only trying to give a clear picture of my own experience as the child of a transgender person. I found it traumatizing, and it was a time in the world when no one thought about things like this. I was on my own for dealing with it, so to speak. It is my experience that it was something that had to be dealt with.

I wasn’t “woke” then, and I’m not “woke” now. The trauma I felt in connection with my dad’s transition has been deep and long lasting. Just this week, I woke up from a sound sleep in a cold sweat because a memory of my father describing his first “female orgasms” to me when I was 15 bubbled to the surface of my subconscious.

Trans issues are something of a trigger for me. My personal experience makes it difficult for me to feel compassion for trans people in their current attempts to be seen. You’ll notice my continued use of male pronouns, the term “reassignment surgery” instead of “affirmation surgery.” I know that it’s not very tolerant and it’s certainly not progressive, maybe even tone-deaf, but it is the product of my experience.

Trans people aren’t bad people, but my experience with the trans individual I know best was akin to child abuse. I don’t know how else to describe my exposure to such graphic sexual issues so early and often. In addition to the sexual content, the feelings of betrayal and abandonment I associate with my father’s behavior as he navigated his transition leave me feeling jumpy and twitchy every time trans issues come up.

There is no hate here, no agenda. There is only pain, a lot of prayer, and the fervent hope that this pain will one day become something good.

Child Castration/Clitoridectomy Specialists

I looked up the bios of the doctors who are performing experiments on children’s reproductive organs  locally, here in Iowa City.  Children are too young to understand what gender roles mean and too young to give consent to be experimented on and sterilized. They look like normal people, but I know they are reckless and opportunistic monsters performing medical eugenics experiments on kids who are confused by our violent and sexist gender hierarchy system. This is all about money and power dressed up in virtue signalling about children’s distress.

And this is the propaganda that is being pushed in IOwa schools in order to drive business to the UIHC  Pediatric Sex Organ Destruction Clinic:


















colburn.jpgLunch and Learn with Dr. Michael Colburn
Wednesday, September 26, 2018, 12:00pm to 1:00pm
Medical Laboratories , B111
25 South Grand Avenue, Iowa City, IA 52246
EQUAL Meds and the Pediatric Interest Group present: Lunch and Learn with Dr. Michael Colburn. Learn more about Dr. Colburn’s work regarding adolescent primary care and working in the LGBTQ Clinics. Q&A to follow Dr. Colburn’s remarks. Lunch will be provided!


This one is just to show you the financial incentive that is involved in this pseudoscientific enterprise:











Transgender Rights and The Iowa Sexual Assault Coalition.

39811067_10156573534564844_1405198348746489856_nThis is an exchange I recently had with the director of The Iowa Coalition Against Sexual Assault  after I had been banned from their facebook site for my inflammatory comments that women don’t have penises and that men who say they are women are just as dangerous to women in vulnerable spaces as any other man.  They spoke to me in a manner I consider very condescending and of course they centered the feelings of men with psychosexual  disorders over the truth. I publish these exchanges because I want there to be a record of how people enabled the  eugenic sterilization of gender non-conforming children and blithely supported the erasure of women’s rights under the onslaught of the new patriarchal gender cult. 

Sent: Monday, September 17, 2018 3:02 PM
To: Elizabeth Barnhill <>
Subject: Transgender Rights and the Elimination of the Rights of Women

Hello Elizabeth Barnhill,

In 1985 sued my father for sexually assaulting me from my infancy until age 12. I was silenced by the courts because of the statute of limitations and so I went to the Vermont State Legislature and asked them to consider changing the laws on child sex abuse. Which they finally did, after 20 years. I worked in the domestic violence field supporting sexual assault survivors for 30 years.  I am writing to you today to complain that I have been blocked from commenting on your organization’s Facebook page because I know that thoughts in a man’s head do not change his sex and that declaring oneself to be transgender does not change a man’s propensity toward male pattern violence. I am no longer able to attend support groups for rape survivors at RVAP because I have been informed I must accept that men are women if they say they are.

This is my account of my experience as an incest victim and the lawsuit I tried to bring against my abuser.

I posted a number of links to your Facebook page that describe the problem of allowing men who say they are women into protected female spaces (such as locker rooms, bathrooms, and domestic violence shelters) and I was silenced for daring to tell the truth. The feelings of men with sexual paraphilias and psychosexual personality disorders apparently take precedence over factual reality and the hard research that I as a female survivor of 12 years of sexual slavery and battery and a lifelong activist for the rights of women and children tried to present to your organization.

This is a list of the rights of women which are being destroyed by transgender activism:

This is a cross-dressing billionaire who will be profiting from mutilating and sterilizing gender non-conforming children. He owns pharmaceutical stock and will make money on the industrial cross sex hormones they are shooting kids up with

Right here in Iowa City they are performing eugenic experiments on kids. There is no long term research into the effects of this terrible medical fad. But they are just kids so they are disposable, right? As long as medical corporations are raking in the dough nobody better question this.

“The money is flowing” to “suck people in:” Vaginoplasty & the case of Jazz Jennings

Women Fear Drug They Used To Halt Puberty Led To Health Problems

This never happens:
The director’s reply:

Elizabeth Barnhill via

Hi Jeanne,
Thank you for writing to let us know of your concerns. You have been through a lot in your lifetime and worked hard to get laws and systems to change. Thank you for all of your work.

We don’t agree that all transwomen are inherently dangerous and harmful to others, hence our social media policy, which says

“IowaCASA will not tolerate any kind of posts, links to articles on our page, or commentary that may be viewed as hurtful, harmful, or derogatory to any group of people. If a person continues to post remarks that may be viewed as hurtful, harmful, or derogatory, IowaCASA has the right to ban the person from the page.”

We know that you may want to comment on various issues related to sexual assault. If you would agree not to post and/or link to commentary that is derogatory to transpeople, we would agree to remove the block from your account.

I’m not able to speak to the decision made by RVAP, but would encourage you to have further discussion with them, if you have not. They likely have a similar policy about restricting derogatory remarks about any group of people.

We wish you well in your work,



Don’t Treat Feminist Poster Campaign as a “Crime”

For the attention of Joe Anderson, Mayor of Liverpool and Chief Constable, Andy Cooke,

Dear Mr Anderson and Mr Cooke,

I write to you in regard to the recent poster/sticker campaign in Merseyside by the feminist group Liverpool ReSisters who have been printing and distributing small stickers of pink penises with the words “women don’t have penises” written on them.

As you know, this campaign was organised as part of the ideological battle between certain feminists and transgender right activists.

When alerted to this campaign Merseyside police said “Hi, thanks for the tag, I can confirm we are aware of this matter and enquiries are being made.” (I address you Mr Cooke as a representative of Merseyside police department)

And you, Mr Anderson the elected Mayor of Liverpool said: “We will remove stickers and work with the Police to identify those responsible.”

In another context, this situation, and your reactions, would be considered satire. Sadly though, this is anything but a joke.

A group of feminists have stated a biological reality, which the vast majority of us would have thought should be so obvious as to be not worth stating. However, both you Mr Anderson and the Merseyside police department apparently believe this might constitute a crime.

The situation really does beggar belief and raises serious questions about the priorities and competencies of local politicians and the police department.

This progressive political posturing is beneath the dignity of your office Mr Anderson, but sadly something many have come to expect from our political class.

Even more significantly, this is a monumental waste of police time and represents a sinister politicisation of the police service by turning ordinary political activism into crime. The police service should not be engaging in the monitoring of ideological or political “crimes” and that is exactly what this is. To make “enquiries” about the stickers from Liverpool ReSisters, supposes that this might be an actual crime, and it could only possibly be a crime of a political nature.

I demand that the Mayor and Merseyside police department cease treating this event as if it were a crime. To do so not only makes a mockery of the offices each of you hold, but also represents a sinister politicisation of the police force by potentially turning ordinary political activism into crime.

[Your Name]


Brilliant writing by Emma Gibson. She speaks to the experience of so many of us…
“Someone has just decided they don’t want to be friends with me because of my views (and vocalisation of such) on trans issues. That’s fine. I have lost friends before because of this issue. I’ll lose more in future.
But one point struck me. She said ”Compassion is a great character trait. Please do think about this.”

And I’d like to address that, for anybody else who is thinking that I’m some kind of monster. This is not aimed at the person (who, in any case, I have unfriended on here now.) but for anyone else who wants to make judgements about my ‘compassion’ or lack of. And, yes, share this if you want, sisters. It’s public. I’m so tired.

My compassion lies with the women fleeing abuse at the hands of men who have to share a shelter with Daniel Muscato or any other man because he self identifies as a woman.

My compassion lies with the women hiding in shelters right now, terrified that their abusive ex can move into that shelter at any minute because they identify as a woman.

My compassion lies with the mothers who carried and birthed their children and now must make way for their petulant husband on Mothers Day.

My compassion lies with the girls who will never be able to participate in sports because their places have been taken by boys who aren’t meeting the gendered expectations of their sex, so are labelled as girls and given spaces on the girls teams. And the women who work and train for years to be the best in womens sports then have their medals and trophies stolen by men.

My compassion lies with the girls sports teams who are told that they must have middle-aged-men watch them undress in their locker room or be labeled bigots and forced to squeeze into a tiny, secondary changing space.

My compassion lies with the girls who will never make it in certain jobs or industries, because the quota of women has been filled by male-to-trans people.

My compassion lies with the wives and children of middle-aged-men who centre themselves and their delusion or fetish over the needs of their families.

My compassion lies with the women who are raped or abused by male-to-trans people and, instead of supported, are vilified if they ‘misgender’ their rapist.

My compassion lies with the female-to-trans victim of a known male-to-trans transgender activist, who was raped in an attempt at impregnation by him and then milked for sympathy by the person who had raped them. A person who is still active in the trans community and, as far as I can see, has not been made to answer to this abuse by his peers.

My compassion lies with every single person who has ever had a serious concern or allegation completely ignored because they ‘misgendered’ the person it was about.

My compassion lies with the young lesbians who are facing a new type of ‘how do you know you don’t like dick if you haven’t tried it? I’ll fuck that out of you.’ and who no longer have safe spaces to turn to, because those spaces (womens spaces and LGB spaces) are now centred around trans issues and trans feelings and the homophobic men are now ‘women’ and can follow them wherever they wish.

My compassion lies with the female-to-trans – the women who hate themselves and their bodies so much that they have their breasts bound or hacked off and inject themselves with hormones that don’t belong in their bodies. Or the girls (the young lesbians, mostly) who are told they aren’t feminine enough, so they must be boys and they must bind themselves and piss through a packer and change their name, because they aren’t right as they are.

My compassion lies with the detransitioners – the people who have realised too late that there is nothing wrong with their body. And by the time they realise this, their body is already poisoned with the hormones of the opposite sex. It’s with the confused men with fake breasts and the hurting women with stubble.

My compassion lies with the male-to-trans, the ones who genuinely feel they are in the wrong body – that they are somehow ‘wrong’ as a person. My compassion lies with them because they have been told by society that they are not okay as they are, that what they like and how they feel does not belong in their body, and so they have decided that their body is wrong.

My compassion lies with all trans people – these people are mentally ill and we, as a society, are enabling them to pump themselves full of hormones that don’t belong in their bodies (the long term side effects of which we still have no real idea of), cut off healthy body parts, have painful surgeries and spend every waking minute trying to fix their ‘wrongness’, when all that is wrong is a society that does not allow gender-non-conformity to go unpunished in some way or other.

My compassion lies with all the children being raised today and in future with no grasp of very basic biology, no understanding of how their body works, no language to articulate what is happening to their body.

My compassion lies with the women who are being robbed of the language to articulate what is happening to them and their sisters and why it is happening. Who are gaslighted into accepting and parotting blatant lies and word soup that makes no sense, either common or scientific.

My compassion lies with the women who are no platformed, fired, stalked, harrassed, threatened with violence, rape and murder (of them, their children, their pets…) for saying things such as ‘women have vulvas’ or ‘people born with penises don’t experience periods’.

My compassion lies with the women who work tirelessly to build places where they and other women can be safe only for them to be torn down on the whims of men. It lies with the women who lost part of themselves when Michfest ended and it lies with those of us who will never experience it because a different breed of man than usual saw that women had something and decided if they couldn’t have it, they’d destroy it.” ( by Emma Gibson)

Report From Fourth Wave Feminists on the SFPL Degenderettes Exhibit and Panel

degenderettesI am reblogging the report I Went To The Degenderettes Panel that was originally posted HERE.

The post includes a large number of photographs of the exhibit that was featured at the San Francisco Public Library that included items promoting violence against women. It also has a report on the panel by a woman who attended. Livestreaming and audio recording were not permitted.

See Also:

The Degenderettes

Counter Exhibit to the Degenderettes Display


Sharing on at the request of some sister feminists:


Hi All,

Recently, the SF Public Library mounted an exhibit of art and weapons (axes and baseball bats) used by the Degenderettes that included a t-shirt splashed in red (to indicate blood) with the words “I Punch TERFS” scrawled across it. Feminists are helping pull together an exhibit to counter this call for violence against women.

THE CONCEPT: We would like women to submit pictures of themselves holding up a sign that describes why they were called TERFs, beginning with “I was called a TERF because …” Anyone who does not want to show their face can simply cover it with the sign.

Example of a sign: “I was called a TERF because I said that gender isn’t a feeling. #IWasCalledTERF

We will then create an online exhibit of the photos.

We would like to do a TWITTER CAMPAIGN on May 26 @ 2 PM PDT to coincide with a panel on “Art and Activism in the Bay” that the SFPL is hosting in conjunction with the Degenederettes exhibit. We will use the hashtag: #IWasCalledTERF


1. Please submit photos of yourself as described above. Please email your photo(s) to:

2. Please get ready to tweet your photo to the SFPL (‪@SFPublicLibrary) on Saturday, May 26 at 2 PM PDT using the hashtag: #IWasCalledTERF.

Thank you!


Silencing Women

Antifa Antifemale


This is the man behind this horror show:



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