Notes on the Journey

Archive for the ‘Addiction’ Category

October 17, 2016

Journal Entry

Feeling comfortably detached as I wait here for the end of the world.

I’m in an odd place because I left behind all the guideposts I used to rely on to explain the world and shape my views and behavior. I have gone into the Outer Darkness, far beyond what I leaned from all the philosophers and gurus and I don’t believe ANY of it anymore. I see now that ALL of it was presented from the male point of view, everything I learned, everything I read, except for the work of a few feminist authors and teachers.

The only teaching that has any value is the one that directs me to become aware of my body and my breathing and to work on maintaining my awareness in the present, here and now.

I am keenly aware of just how powerless I am to affect what is happening on this planet. Some moments I desperately want to be released from this disaster, but at others, like right now, I’m just grateful that my own little life makes some sense and has beauty in it.

It would be great to stop taking patriarchy so personally.The whole point of rape culture is to reduce me to an object, a non-agent. My “beingness,” my uniqueness, my personhood is irrelevant.

Men seek revenge on women because men can’t have babies. This is the whole primal truth of the matter. This truth is rabidly suppressed, just like the truth about climate change and the mass die-off of pollinators from industrial petrochemicals, for instance. These are truths that I am never allowed to speak aloud in public. People do not want to hear it. It makes them uncomfortable to hear the truth.

I spoze I need to write another blogpost about this – about Marge Piercy’s conjecture that technology will solve this problem of male jealousy over women’s reproductive capacity by growing babies in artificial wombs and shooting up men with female hormones so they can breastfeed, as she proposed in her book, Woman On The Edge Of Time. Tranzing is the tech solution to inequality between the sexes and this is a problem because medical science and technology are capitalist, masculinist enterprises and as such, don’t particularly care about women and the natural world, which are simply “resources” that exist to make profit from.

I’m coming to accept that I’m not responsible for patriarchy. I didn’t cause it and I can’t cure it, as they say around the 12-step groups that deal with addiction. It seems that my yelling at the delusional masses in online forums (and frantic emails to former women-only spaces like rape crisis centers that now permit men who say they are women into their support groups) is just my attempt to blow off steam in my mind-shattering grief over what is taking place,  over the harm that is being done to women and the very basis of life on earth, and for all the life that is being lost.

The violence that I have been subjected to throughout my life from this rapist culture gave me a distorted sense of responsibility. I am not responsible for patriarchy and it’s brainless, gynocidal,  SUICIDAL ecocide.

A patriarchal family is a slave family and is a shame-based family because shame is what molds people into slavery. All of the implied and actual violence is deliberate and intended to produce shame within individuals such that they are unable to stop the violence. The Circle of Death.

I am still coping with the injuries I sustained in my marriage. The man I married is an automaton who acts out a rigid role. I used to explain his behavior by the fact that he grew up with an alcoholic father. I did not exist as a living, autonomous sentient being. I was also only a ROLE, an object, an economic unit, as he actually stated about me and our children. I was a function and a means to his own ends.

About a year ago I was trying to write about addiction and slavery and attachment theory and was unable to find the heart in it…because I was not consciously considering the role of male supremacy and rape culture. Male privilege is always the elephant in the living room. It’s the silent oppressive fog that surrounds all of our social structures. So I wasn’t able to put together the severed parts, I had a jumble of facts, but the essence was missing.

Ten thousand years of female slavery shaped the relations between my ex-husband and me. He was grown the same way that my father and brothers and all males are made, secure in their positions of dominance over women and their right to our labor, our bodies, the products of our wombs, our care and attention.

I could not be a moral agent until I was able to walk away from all of this. I could not be responsible until I was able to separate myself from the constant violence from males that shaped my choices. Instead of being sorrowful I know I need to be grateful that I woke up and that I have this opportunity to come to real life, to the real world, dying as it is. I still have this moment of autonomy and clarity.

 

 

 

 

If pHARMa Told The Truth

The Enchantment Model Of Addiction

Support Groups PicI stopped in at a Al-Anon meeting at Thanksgiving, hoping it would help to listen to other people talk about their family pain, but first thing they hit me with the proselytization and the disease model. I just can’t ignore it long enough to sit and listen, that’s my defect I suppose. I felt pressure to read the steps and recite prayers, did not feel safe to refuse, and that is crap.

I know now that AA softened me up for harvest by the psychopharmaceutical cartel. I first attended AA when I was 28 and planning another baby. I’d had a few drinks during of my last pregnancy and felt guilty about that, didn’t want to do it again, and in general, drinking made me sick and depressed altho I enjoyed the painkilling effects. I went to women’s meetings for the first year. It was clear to me that I drank to kill the aftereffects of being raped on a daily basis by my father for the first 12 years of my life, and that’s what I wanted to work on and it felt safer to be in a women-only group.

pillsBack then nobody was taking psych drugs, but we were all being sold on the medical model brain disease/genetic defect theory. So sadly, I was easy pickinz when my GP offered chemicals to fix my congenital brain abnormality. I looked tired because I was engaged in  a lawsuit against my rapist parent and raising two toddlers by myself and I was having trouble sleeping. The doctor, John Matthews of Plainfield, VT, said I was biologically depressed and the drugs were like insulin for diabetes. Then once on the drugs there is the spellbinding effect along with all the other subtle and not-so-subtle coercions I was subjected to. In 2007, when I decided to begin tapering the drugs (after reading Mad In America) AA was a hindrance because just about everyone was on the (safe, non-addictive) drugs and we were not allowed to question the holy doctors. I got a lot of hostility from people who were threatened by my withdrawal, and nobody had any support for me or had information about safe withdrawal.

godthe fatherFor me personally, the whole Protestant religious moral model of the twelve step model is a big problem. For one thing, it is emblazoned upon the deepest reaches of my consciousness that GOD IS MY FATHER, for another, it is a victim-blaming philosophy that totally separates the individual from the violent, addiction-generating culture. So I have to do the mindsplitting thing to be able to sit in a 12-step meeting and I am not up to it anymore. I joined an online group for people who are tapering from behavior-control chemicals. At first, as it was forming, it was a good support but then the admins started in with the 12-step liturgy and dogma. I tried to point out the heterosexism and christian values and got shut down.

The way I see it now is that we are ALL addicts. The word, addiction, literally means: to be spoken over to slavery. It comes out of the Roman court system, where captives were legally made into slaves. Western culture has made us all into slaves to oil, if nothing else. No-one escapes modern slavery. But, some of us run into bigger trouble faster, with whatever we are doing to kill our pain and distract our attention, that is the difference. It’s a continuum. And absolutely, without question, everyone I know who struggles with destructive addiction is a survivor of trauma, usually the good old interpersonal violence kind. I also saw this as a member of a support group for the psychiatrically labeled in Montpelier, VT. Every woman, at least, who was diagnosed and labeled as a psych case was a survivor of childhood rape. I kept telling the staff of the MH center about this, I wrote about it in The Counterpoint, a psych survivor rag in VT, and went before the state legislature to talk to them about it as they made policy on MH services. But nobody really listened. They are not listening now.

The only way that addiction could possibly be considered a medical/physical disease is by thinking of it as a reaction to BEING INJURED. It is a maladaptive attempt to heal an injury. Once we start to damage organs with whatever we use to kill pain THEN it becomes a medical issue.

earAs I have been struggling to understand what addiction has done to me and the people I have been close to, it has occurred to me that since the medical model is such a destructive metaphor, that maybe a good way to characterize what is going on is that it is a kind of enchantment. It is like being under an evil spell. (Certainly being on the psychiatric chemicals felt like this to me. I lost my power to choose and I believed things that were not true. I was trapped, I was a prisoner, a slave.)  How does this enchantment come about? Well, I’m not sure, and prolly there is no one answer, no bogeyman to blame, no witches in the hedges casting spells, BUT, in my case I can trace the enchantment right back to the ugly things that ignorant and cruel adults kept chanting into my ear, all the insidious messages about my lack of human worth that surrounded the incest drama and the simple fact of my having a female body in a patriarchal, misogynistic culture.

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